‘Let me know when you are home’
It’s a phrase we as women have all heard from time to time. And still with regularity. From parents, brothers, friends – especially when you have to walk the streets alone. It sounds like a simple, caring question, but in reality it is much more than that. It is a symbol of the constant vigilance we feel as women, the awareness of the invisible danger that is always lurking.
Thinking about this, I decided to ask some of the men around me what they think of when they hear this phrase. Most of them said it was something they heard from their parents or siblings, but never from friends or acquaintances. And that is saying something. Men do recognise the danger, but often they do not recognise it in their own daily lives. For them, it is not natural to think about whether they will get home safely every time. For us women, though, that is the reality.
In my own environment, the message I sent after coming home is a deeply ingrained habit. As a woman, you always feel the threat. A threat that, as women, we do not always consciously feel, but which has crept into our behaviour. We bypass dark streets, say we have a boyfriend even when we don’t, or pretend to be on the phone, just to give the idea that we are ‘not alone’. Or we even carry something with us for protection. These are ‘small’ adjustments that we make almost automatically, but they are adjustments that should make us ask: why are we actually doing this? Because isn’t it absurd that we instruct women to avoid the danger, instead of addressing the danger itself?
Imagine there is a fire. Do we then tell people, ‘Just walk around it, it will work itself out’? Of course not. We put out the fire. We tackle the problem at its core, to prevent it from spreading further. So why don’t we do the same with the violence and harassment women experience every day?
The truth is that we often ask the wrong question. Instead of asking what women can do to protect themselves, we should focus on the question: why do some people behave this way? What motivates these people, and how can we change their behaviour before it leads to violence or harassment in the first place? Because if we keep focusing on what women can do to protect themselves, we shift the responsibility. And in doing so, the problem remains in the shadows.
Safety should not be the exception, but the norm. If we start thinking from there, we can work towards real change: respect for each other, shared responsibility for a safe society. Creating a culture where women do not always have to be alert to the danger facing them. Something that’s still a long way off, but we have to start somewhere.
So I suggest that instead of asking ‘let me know when you’re home’, we start by asking yourself ‘What can we do to keep you safe wherever you are?’ In doing so, we shift the responsibility to where it belongs: to society as a whole.
At Fairspace, we believe in the power of active bystanders and offer training in bystander intervention. Using our 5Ds method – Distract, Delegate, Document, Delay and Direct – we teach how to act in situations of harassment. Together, we can work towards a culture where harassment is not tolerated and everyone can feel safe.
Want to learn more about how you can make a difference? Visit our website and find out how you can make a big impact with small steps. Together, we build a safer world, one intervention at a time.
